The Loyal

Thursday, October 7, 2010

We Dudes Really like boobs (Not exactly safe for work...Rated R?)

Let's face it, this had to happen sometime. Mostly because boobs are one of the greatest things ever created. Mind you I don't know who or what created them, but he, she, or it knew what they were doing. Not only did they create the awesomer-est things ever to look at, but they created the most powerful tool known to (wo)man. Some believe that boobs are actually work of the Ark of the Covenant. Others believe that they are just skin with fat in them. One individual I talked to called them "udders". Whatever you believe them to be, one thing is for sure, these things are awesome. They have the power to change history too.
Adam just wanted
Some of this awesome

Let's start with a story everyone knows, The Story of Adam and Eve. Based on my previous statement of everyone knowing the story, then we all know how it went. Eve ate the apple and thus got Herself and Adam banished. Well I thought about it for a long time and something just didn't make sense to me. Why would Adam get banished with Eve? Well obviously because he ate the apple too. But WHY would man do that? Because he want to impress Eve and get some more action with those awesome boobs. That is why. And you know what, It worked for him. He got laid at least four times. Probably more considering he lived like 900 plus years. I mean what would get a chick hotter than getting banished from the Garden of God himself.

Other known times of boobs changing history: Ceasar and Cleopatra, Yoko and John, Lady Godiva, Beauty and The Beast, Green Ranger becoming the White Ranger (he didn't sacrifice himself to save everyone, he did it for Kimberly's awesome Boobage), etc.

This is what Typical Jailbait looks like.
So why do boobs exist? Well the primary reason why boobs exist is to feed Children. Who knew? But the secondary reason is so men/women will be drawn in. For mating purposes of course. Boobs can also be used tell a womans age, how loose she is, and how much fun she will be in the sack. There are charts for these things online. Don't count on me posting them here. Instead Google them or ask for them on 4chan for christ sakes. Unfortunately, lies can now be created thanks to modern science. Not only am I referring to breast augmentation, but all the stuff they inject into our foods. This causes females under the age of 18 to develope massive boobs. So if girls under 18 have massive tits and you are looking at them, that girl is now jailbait. Which can lead to you being a pedophile. No Who is doing this? McDonald's. That is right...McDonald's causes jailbait. I said it.

This chick knows how versatile they are.
There are many more uses for boobs. You can use them as stress balls (be gentle, you don't want to hurt her...unless she is into that...then who am I to judge?), pillows, face warmers, the perfect distraction during covert spy ops, cup holders, thermometers (if you don't know about this one, next time it is cold out, grab a boob...with consent of course), among other things. You know, sexual stuff. I will not get into that because I don't want to lose my ad sense account for talking about how different sex things involving boobs work. Oh, you can also use boobs to mind link with women causing them to want to have sex with you...This is an advance technique and should not be tried by noobs.

The Problem
Straight males and all females (all girls are secretly bisexual this has been proven by science) cannot help but check out boobs. It is our natural reaction when being confronted by them. Ladies, please do not take this as an insult. Instead take it as a compliment. If you do get offended by this kind of unwanted attention, please do not slap us or throw your drink in our face. One, that is a waste of a perfectly good drink. Two, we don't mean it. It is just a natural instinct. A way to solve this is by covering up a little. Another way is if the person in question discreetly checked your awesome boobs out using ancient ninja techniques. Google them.
Epic Boob C-C-C-Combo Breaker.

How do you prevent your significant other from checking out other boobs? Well this is easy. The reason they are looking in the first place is because they have Vitamin Boob deficiency. You can solve this by giving them the daily fifteen minutes of boob action. Rather it be video, picture, or in person. With these fifteen minutes, your significant other should fill up on on the nutrients they need thus making them not want to check out boobs. Also it helps if you wear something low cut. We like that too.
Boobs can even make you like Soccer!

Keeping them clean and well kept is also important. No one wants to put their mouth on a dirty boob. That's how the slut is spread. Once you get the slut, you can not get rid of the slut. So, you must clean them. If you do not feel like cleaning them but have a significant other (or someone who you will let touch your boobs), you are in luck! I have developed a technique for just this situation. So you take a shower with your other and you tell them you will give them some boob action. While they are going to town on your knockers, you put liquid soap on them. Presto, if you did this correctly, your boobs will be lathered. Rinse and you are good to go. If the other has the mind link ability that I mentioned before you are screwed. You will be sexing them up in no time, so you must be careful when deploying this strategy. Either way win/win.
Wingman "Hollywood"

You know what else is awesome about boobs? They come in any shape, size, or color that you want. Personally, I prefer enough for each hand (and white). Any more than that is pointless to me. Any less than that will make me want more. But this is all based on preference. Boobs that I may consider the "bomb", may not be to someone else. So it is a good idea to talk to your friends about what they consider proper for their boob selection. For wing man purposes. Because everyone needs a wingman once in awhile.

Overall, I have to say boobs are the greatest thing to ever be placed on this world. Followed by the internet, video games, and thai food. These things can literately do anything...or cause other people to do your crap for you. If boobs did not exist, I would not be the charismatic mother fucker that I am today. With that being said, I have to give boobs a 20 out of 10.

By the by, My girlfriend has AMAZING boobs. So awesome I wrote a haiku about them.

My Girlfriends Boobs are
Fucking phenomenal, yeah.
Need my hands on them.

Regh out.

Thanks to all the sites I got these from.
< /boobrant>


  1. LMFAO...oh my God...bravo...this has to be one of the best articles I've seen on Blogspot so far, and not even because it's all about boobs.

    "Vitamin Boob deficiency", I can claim that when I look at boobs other than my girlfriend's, it's because of a disorder.

    "Catching the slut", LOL...never thought I'd hear that phrase.

    Also, that was the best haiku I've read so far today. Granted, it's the first I've read today, but something tells me it won't get topped. Well done, Regh.

  2. .........

    *vehement sigh*

    Btw, Ankiseth, ihateyou. You get enough boob time. Shuddup.

    LMAO @ the haiku.